Saturday, December 20, 2014

Transition from being a career woman to being a SHM (Stay Home Mother)

The Transition (Career woman to a Stay Home Mom)
This is an emotional account of my journey of motherhood in which change is my constant companion.
Everybody’s journey of motherhood is different. Its an encounter of personal preferences, choices and life events. An encounter that is always new and evolving. The transition from being a career woman to becoming a stay home mother is one such preference and choice that is never easy. We are constantly questioning, changing and adjusting along this journey. 
When it comes to motherhood there are two modes of thought. One being a stay home mom and two being a working mom. But, there is a third mode; the transition mode. Shifting from being a career woman to being a full time mother. It sounds like it’s the same as being a stay home mother but then if you made that choice you know what it is. There is often that dissatisfaction and insufficiency that nobody can help you answer. 
When I quit my job and chose to stay home with my child, I thought I was just making a simple choice. A choice that will make me devote myself completely to being a full time mother. But, soon it dawned on me that I gave up my career in the process. Initially it sounded to me in my head as just a break. But, then soon I saw people who started with me moving ahead in their careers. I thought I shifted gears and slowed down a bit but instead my engine broke down some where along the road and some how I was struck at that same place in life. My career became a thing of past. I had trouble digesting the fact that I was just a homemaker taking care of my child. It became excruciating with time. It felt like I was the only person standing alone on that road in screaming silence trying to fill the deep void that nothing can fulfill.
Yes, people tell you its worth it. But, you know that more than anything in the world. Because, no one needs to remind you of the fact that being a mother is awesome. But, It’s not about how worthy the choice is but rather the question of how many times you can answer your screaming silence. Its not about how much you love your child but how much you can give up. The satisfaction that comes from taking care of your child and that which comes from being a working woman enjoying your social space and financial independence are completely different. When you make that choice you know that its worth it, but then you are giving up something that defines you for yourself; not to the world but to you. It is hard to explain this; you can only experience it.
Being a mother is like trying to master the art of multitasking. It’s not easy but its the only way you can get things done. In this process you are always learning. after all, it’s a role you have to step up to and everything is new. When your child is crying you should know why and if she is not is eating you should know why and people expect you to know it; just because you are the mother. Often these people are women. Women who forget that they were once the mothers that we are today. Some how the mother has to have the magic wand that will make troubles go away. we are not magicians; we are human after all. we learn from experience too. Learning by failing is the best way to learn but no one gives you that time. They are all ready with stories and self experiences from the book of their lives to tell you how to feed, take care and raise your child. It’s like an annoying TV ad, that keeps coming often; only you can’t change the channel. It is not just my story but the story of every woman who is learning, doing, failing but still learning because she always wants to be her best at being a mother. 
You feel helpless but unfortunately no one can understand you. One day you may kick start your engine and may begin working again and you know you will but that doesn’t help you overcome what you are dealing with today.Seeing your child smile is the only incentive that will make you sustain. Because, this may be an obvious choice but definitely a tough one that needs constant approval; not from the world but from you. 
This is not a story of diffidence or lack of confidence but rather an emotional dialogue that keeps going on in my head. No one likes to admit it or speak out loud about it. Who cares what others think!! they always either sympathize with you or judge you. So I decided to voice it.

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

An adventitious meeting

Today I met one of my favorite teachers almost after 16 years or may be I should say a very long time. I didn't see her after my tenth. It brought back some nostalgic memories. I am so happy today that she called me by name and said that I am just the same.

After a certain point of time we become so busy with our lives that when we look back at something it dawns on us that it's been years since that something...The only thing that connects us to the past is the people we shared it with.

Saturday, December 6, 2014

The answer in question

As a child I was taught to believe in God, I was told to pray. I never thought about questioning this belief.  Life never gave me a strong reason to do so. With years of wisdom imparted to me from older generations I came to believe that God helps us in misery and that he will answer our prayers. I always prayed for something and life gave it to me. This reinstated my belief in God over years. I soon began to realize that true prayer is not in asking for personal favors but rather true prayer is to pray for everybody’s well being and thank God, for everything I have in life. I have come to realize it ever since. There were some miserable times and yet I never forgot that I was more fortunate than many other people in the world. I was and will always be thankful of it. But, no matter what you tend to cling to miracles of God, when you want something in life. I did too. Sometimes, God answered it and sometimes he did not. But, this did not shake my faith in him. I rather felt that it was God’s way of testing my courage to deal with life. I now know that, and nothing can make me feel different about it. But today, I had this strange thought that…Why should I believe in God? This is not a question that questions my faith in God but rather a question that can reinforce that faith. The only reason I could come up with is, that I need some support that can give me strength to deal with challenges in life and that support is God. Is this a good enough answer? May be or may be not. But it did suffice. I came to understand one thing from all of this…that God always answers our prayers but we need time to understand if he did. And when, that time comes you no longer need an answer. God is not a solution to our problems but rather a light that can guide us in the darkness of times. He can only give us the strength to tolerate the pain.

Sometimes he just sends us a message that he is listening and that's more than enough to get us back on our track. In just two days after I thought about this God gave two reasons as to why I should trust him. Now I know... that he is listening.