An adventitious meeting

Today I met one of my favorite teachers almost after 16 years or may be I should say a very long time. I didn't see her after my tenth. It brought back some nostalgic memories. I am so happy today that she called me by name and said that I am just the same.

After a certain point of time we become so busy with our lives that when we look back at something it dawns on us that it's been years since that something...The only thing that connects us to the past is the people we shared it with.

The answer in question

As a child I was taught to believe in God, I was told to pray. I never thought about questioning this belief.  Life never gave me a strong reason to do so. With years of wisdom imparted to me from older generations I came to believe that God helps us in misery and that he will answer our prayers. I always prayed for something and life gave it to me. This reinstated my belief in God over years. I soon began to realize that true prayer is not in asking for personal favors but rather true prayer is to pray for everybody’s well being and thank God, for everything I have in life. I have come to realize it ever since. There were some miserable times and yet I never forgot that I was more fortunate than many other people in the world. I was and will always be thankful of it. But, no matter what you tend to cling to miracles of God, when you want something in life. I did too. Sometimes, God answered it and sometimes he did not. But, this did not shake my faith in him. I rather felt that it was God’s way of testing my courage to deal with life. I now know that, and nothing can make me feel different about it. But today, I had this strange thought that…Why should I believe in God? This is not a question that questions my faith in God but rather a question that can reinforce that faith. The only reason I could come up with is, that I need some support that can give me strength to deal with challenges in life and that support is God. Is this a good enough answer? May be or may be not. But it did suffice. I came to understand one thing from all of this…that God always answers our prayers but we need time to understand if he did. And when, that time comes you no longer need an answer. God is not a solution to our problems but rather a light that can guide us in the darkness of times. He can only give us the strength to tolerate the pain.

Sometimes he just sends us a message that he is listening and that's more than enough to get us back on our track. In just two days after I thought about this God gave two reasons as to why I should trust him. Now I know... that he is listening.

Thinking out loud...

Today is not the first time I’ve realized this but I think there is no one person in my life to whom I can pour out my feelings about everything. To some extent I can do that with my husband. I have seen ups and downs with him. so far we are rock solid. But, there are certain things, some emotions that have no driving reason but its just the way you feel about them and you can’t help it. sometimes I wonder If these thoughts make me a bad person for I know for sure that those are not good thoughts. I cannot find a person who would listen to my crap without questioning me and judging me. And above all its very difficult to find someone who can be truly happy for you without finding hints of jealousy. So, I thought maybe writing is my only outlet and thats how I can get my thoughts out. I only wish if there was one person, my person who could share anything and everything and accept me as I am with my hatred and habits and expect nothing in return.

I am scared that If I put down my thoughts and true feelings of hate and disgust about certain things then some how I am giving a written consent that I am a bad person. I get angry, I orally abuse people if they irritate or disgust me. I just hate some people for no obvious reason. Its true and I haven’t confided this to my husband or anyone else. Its just me and this piece of paper. I lose my temper a lot of times and I cannot tolerate injustice or irrationality. unfortunately I experience it often. I don’t like people who judge others or people who tell others how to live life or for that matter give suggestions as if they know everything. In infact hate those people. But, I see so many such people around me that it never stops being true and never stops irritating me.

I ran away from few things in my life, I am not proud of it but my tolerance was limited and I pushed myself beyond it. I could no longer survive it. So I ran, I forced myself into situations I would not have otherwise forced myself into. To run away was my only courage. I have learnt a lot from life by doing so. So, I do not regret it. Now once again, I am being pushed by life into the same abyss, I ran away from. This is a feeling I cannot express completely and make someone understand it. I hate it. I hate feeling helpless but there is nothing I can do but once again give in to it. Tolerate those same situations and people and be silent about it. I am not the kind of person who has the courage to tell people how I truly feel about them if Its not a positive feeling. I am miserable at it.

I have seen 2.5 years of life as a homemaker. I am glad I did it for I do not want to have any regrets on death bed. Sometimes, I am irritated because I feel low because I had a career before this and now I am just a homemaker taking care of my kid doing laundry, cleaning and cooking. This feeling is not something a man can ever fathom to understand. They are not in that position ever. The inadequacy is painful. It’s as if some one should have to tell you everyday that you are doing something meaningful with your life. But, no one tells you that. Its just that you have tell that to yourself and after some time you begin to lose faith in yourself, your confidence starts going down. It becomes almost necessary to restore your confidence and faith in yourself. It’s as if you have to prove to yourself that you are worth something and that you can still achieve something or be where you want to be. It’s not that you do not love your child, but it becomes so so so important to you that you have to show everyone that you can always rebound. I only wish I was telling to this a person and not a piece of paper.

My mother was a career woman. She had her flaws but some how she managed it. I have not seen one other person like her who could handle home and office with such ease. end of the day she survived it and sometimes managed it without my father’s help. I am proud of that and truly applaud her for that. Personally, I didn’t like a working mother in school but I now realize how important it is to have financial independence and discover world for yourself. No matter how small is the amount you bring home you still have a feeling called satisfaction that is so beyond the comfort of any amount of wealth.

I hate most of the women around me and I don’t know why. I just cannot tolerate some of them. When they speak money like an illeterate, when they act ignorant and silly, when don’t have maturity of thought, when they lack independence and need their mom’s for every damn thing. Unfortunately I haven’t had a single girl friend my entire life (till today) and I don’t hope to find anyone either. I just cannot talk like them, think like them , act like them. I feel lost thinking that I am probably not myself when I try to mingle. I sometimes dream that may be that goto person or that girl friend will probably be my daughter but who knows how much she will like me when she grows up for thats when they begin to judge you. Its not that I won’t love her, the love of a mother is unconditional and no matter what I will love her. But, yes may be she will be the only person that I can be around without any limitations. I feel sad about this but I don’t know what I can do about it (not having a girl friend).

There are so many times while in the bathroom, while cooking and while just sitting I think about situations and people I have seen and then sometimes I find myself cursing them or forming a plan to deal with them. I find that funny and also inept. but, end of the day that’s who I am and I don’t know what I can do about it.

Hopefully, there is a better time that awaits and I really hope that its true.

hmm, feels good so far...to be contd...

Equation of life

Life is full of unexpected surprises. Some of them come wrapped in bright colors of happiness and  joy while some come in grey shades of shock and despair. Every miserable event is life’s way of teaching us to live.  ‘Change’, whether good or bad is always the common quotient of all transactions of life. Our ability to embrace this change at the most unfortunate times, determines our scale of dejection. We are built to deal with change, shock and despair. The sooner we embrace them, the sooner we can rebound. However hope makes us weak and vulnerable. Hope that makes us forget that happiness is just a phase and that there will always be those times of gloom to restore equilibrium in life. True challenge is to suffer, cry, lean but fight. Expectations determine the length of suffering and the window of distress; but we can begin to fight once we find our ground.

Our inability to accept the inopportune effect of change impairs our formidability. No matter how big we dream and how hard we try, some things are out of our hands. Most often we do not want to believe this and it works; it works for as long as we have an expected outcome. But, when we learn it is different from what we expected, we have a hard time contemplating it. We cannot dismiss it. Instead we deal with it in fives stages of grief. Denial is the first stage of grief followed by anger, bargaining, depression and then finally acceptance.

We cherish happiness and success beyond anything; but it is the sadness, failure and grief that we bear, conquer and tolerate that make happy moments worth cherishing. Wounds of woes are lessons of life and no journey of true human spirit is complete without it. A brave heart can heal the broken wings of hope and restore true strength.

Felicity and grief sustain balance in the equation of life. 

Cet amour

If love is in the air then may be it truly is...an invisible string that brings people closer. Be it the evergreen magic of teen age attraction or the old tale of senile affection; Be it a long lasting promise of wedding vows or a likely compromise of marriage woes..love is every where....a delicate thread that sews our lives together.

There is a different form of love that manifests in our lives some time or the other...the love that we can feel around and with in us. It is delicate,unconditional and everlasting. The soft touch of tender hands, the tumbling hustle of tiny feet, the quiet felicity of innocent smile, the melodious disharmony of voice and words,the frivolous joy of shopping for tiny clothes and toys,the peaceful warmth of hugging them to sleep, the true bliss of rising to their happy faces every morning..this is the most precious love that can ever happen.A feeling so pure and gentle that life never is complete without the touch of it.

This emotion flourishes with time; the tough love. love that springs with attraction; blossoms with wedding; grows, suffers, and survives in marriage. It drags itself through the streets of conflicts and chaos but still manages to sustain with patience. The love that learns to stabilize itself with years of experience.

It's inevitable and sure to follow into the age of senility; the true love. This one's a keeper, for it continues its journey till the end of time.The love that is quiet and silent in the eyes of souls who just know that it is there. The love that becomes a routine of day, a habit of existence and solace of life.Love that knows that it lasts for sure but only with the fear of not knowing how long before the bed is half empty. And...life is never the same again...true love prevails.

To the eternity of love....

Paradigm Shift

Paradigm shift is a term often used to describe the changes in the areas of economics, politics, science, literature, philosophy and more recently mobile technology. However, I want to apply this term to the current system of primary and high school education in India and envision what could be a change in the pattern of teaching and learning . I can think of a few things that I felt might have made my learning experience better. When I say this, I am NOT talking from the perspective of budget or standards of syllabus or the curriculum or the role of the government in the above. But rather, I am talking from the perspective of a person who just wants to enhance the experience of learning.

Our schools can be widely categorized as public and private schools. There are a very few private schools that ensure high quality of education for its students and most often are also those schools that fall under the category of NOT affordable for a common man. Once again, this is not my focus. So, that leaves us with the private schools a normal middle class man can afford and the public schools that run on govt funds. Often these schools have faculty  with required qualification, however they are not trained on the methods of teaching. Or may be even if they are, the current system fails to produce the desired efficacy. If the expected result is to see how many qualified professionals we are producing and outsourcing then we are far beyond the expectations; but if it is to see the average number of students enjoying their learning experience in school then we are not so good. When  it came to school ,all I remember was homework, tests, exams and holidays. I don’t recall experimenting , searching for answers, thinking to solve a problem, struggling for a perspective. So what needs to change and what could be different? This is NOT a difficult question but probably has more than one answer.

Talking about how things could be taught brings out one of the answers. Physics and Chemistry can be better taught with experiments that support theories and definitions, Biology becomes more interesting with a microscope and set of slides, Mathematics is less detesting when applied to the interesting fields of science and discovery, Economics is not boring when learnt with house income balance sheets and current problems of nation’s economic crisis. Geography becomes invigorating with projects on survey study. The mastery and beauty of languages and literature is better taught with perspective and essay homeworks. History can become interesting with stories and life studies. Subjects as dry as civics can as well be refreshing when given a perspective and application. So what is that we are NOT doing right? It is a question that has to be answered at various levels of the existing system and only then can we enrich the experience of learning.

Learning should be fun and I cannot think of a better word. It consummates the transformation required in the current system. It is essential to have a grading system because competition is necessary to bring out the best of talent; but often this is how the system is defined and that should change. The primary focus of early education should become a student’s first step to think, question and even fail rather than just be a journey of credits and grades. The focus that can make learning “fun”.

We need a system that enforces this shift of thought. A system that increases inquisitiveness of a student, forces to think and contemplate and present a perspective if required. This cannot be done unless there is a dire requirement that dictates this aspect of effectiveness;  a paradigm shift in the system of primary and high school education that demands change at every step.

If you want small changes in your life, work on your attitude. But if you want big and primary changes, work on your paradigm. - Stephen Covey

P.S: I present this today only as a thought because this is a change that just cannot be done overnight. It is a process that needs a vision and action. Every element of this current system needs change and it starts from every person in it.

Enchanting Blue

The wide serene blue setting of the sea, the bright shining crests of turquoise glowing under the burst of sunlight, the silent rhythm of waves rising and falling drifting with time ,the mellow scent of summer breeze lacing the shore and caressing the sands, the lucid grace of undulating rays of light softly touching the droplets ,the gentle rush of crisp water dousing the rocks ..a deeply enchanting landscape of quiescent solace.

True Legacy

This is a tale of two lives; of hard work and simplicity, of reverence and kindness. A tale of two different personas that influenced my life. Above all a timeless memory of love. One was a man of riches and splendor and one was a man of austerity and compassion. Both noble , independent and men of their well earned stature.

Life can be too overwhelming in the face of true plight. To stand amidst of this plight as a child makes it difficult to embrace life. However, this was the boy who fought with his fate everyday and put himself through school. He stumbled over many obstacles and yet steadied himself and held on to the anchor of life.  Opportunity may be a gift but hard work is always a choice. The duo has made him a man of mettle. He started his career as a school teacher , then made his way through life as a banker. He didn’t stop there, he taught himself the skill of making money and mastered it. Earning is just an ability; an ability to work for money, but it takes intelligence and discipline to make money work for you. It was that skill that made him who he was. He went on to build an empire of wealth and lived a life of purpose and fulfillment.

There is only a little I know about his childhood, but only that life can be very unforgiving at times. He lost one of his siblings at a very young age and yet he didn’t let death traumatize him. He became a civil engineer. He worked for HUDA and had overseen many wonderful construction projects. He was a walking dictionary, an encyclopedia of current events, a mythology expert , a man of integrity and above all a selfless monk. It takes a generous heart  to help people in need and a great heart to do it without expectations but it takes a brave heart to help in the phase of financial insufficiency.He was later diagnosed with parking sense disease but even then he didn’t have trouble talking about involutes in engineering drawing. For all I remember, he was the magic man who made my troubles go away. He was a man who lived the life of nobility and contentment.

I  always thought about them in my life and the legacy they left behind. A legacy of confidence and character. A legacy of life in memories.

In loving memory of my Grandfathers....
Nageswara Rao Paramatmuni
Yeswantha Rao Komarraju

Give thanks for a little and you will find a lot

Here is a thought that I never give it a rest, a simple notion of being thankful for everything I have.

We are living in a world full of inevitable things that engulfs us in its undeniable brutality. A world where some peace still prevails due to the threat of violence and war. A world that uses power and fear as its weapons for restoring order in chaos. A world that can use some more humanity.

We see the injustice of times that makes us loathe the very existence of us. No matter how hard we try, we are bound to feel helpless at times. A helplessness that tears through the soul. We see it around in the eyes of little children who are brought into this world by the people they never knew. We see it in the lifeless souls of street walkers who are forced to make the most toughest decisions we can never contemplate. We see it in the pain inflicting atrocity of animal torture that never ends. We see it in abandoned hopes, desperate choices, insufficient love, extreme hatred, unforgiving abuse and greedy lust. But, some how  some of us still have a reason to smile everyday. Something that is not forcing us into the abyss of this cruelty, for which we have to be thankful every living minute.

Some of us are fortunate to have the gift of love, family, care, health,wealth and things we often don't acknowledge enough.So please be thankful for everything you have and that may make you tolerate the savagery of this world. But, don't stop there; Give it back. Give it back with humanity and see if you can make this world a better place.

"Give thanks for a little and you will find a lot"

- Hansa proverb

EE kalavaram

kavvinche kaluvala kannullo

merise aa jabili jilugullo

medilindi ee cheetaki roopam

marapinche taarala mungitlo

murise aa nisidhi vakitlo

sagindi ee ratiri payanam

alise talapula sanditlo

nisha raagala kougitlo

karigindi ee kalala mounam

kanureppala sadilo

kanupapala vodilo

vaalindi ee nayanam

Haayi sankellu

challani ee vendi vennela

saage aa chirugali eela

hayini penche meghamala

ooyalaluge mallela baala

laalinche aa chukkala jola

vodige madi talapula ala

bigusukune kalala vala

karige edoo mattulaaa

nidurai ninde naa kannulaa

Happiness is a choice

I have been waiting to put down my thoughts about something for a while now. The something we all try to find in everything we do “Happiness”.The ink in which we want each of our memories to be written in.  A meaningful derivation we want in our lives.

The title of this post is a line from a TV show called “Monk”. I guess the reason this line stayed with me was partly because I was dissatisfied with my work for some time then; which we all are at one point of time or the other. It just stuck with me since then; has been part of my email signature for a long time. The point that I am trying to make is, we are all crushed by unhappiness in different walks of life that springs from stress, anger, fear, trouble, rejection, vulnerability or anything we perceive as distress. Most often we are also not in control of the situations that we find ourselves in and we try our best to not subjugate to these situations. No matter how compelling unhappiness is in the face of such harsh times, we always have a choice to look the other way, a choice of happiness. It may be a difficult choice but definitely a worthy choice.

I share this today with everyone, because I just want to pass it on. Who knows, it may just stick with some of you starting now. Life is never easy and may be thats what makes living it a worthy choice; then why not be happy about it so long as its worth it.

Nature

'Nature', an abode of serenity, fury, melancholy and piquancy. A masterpiece cast in the colors of seasons. A melody of silence and grace, an accord of innate tunes. A vivacious beauty inspiring different perceptions and expressions; of love, reverence and zest. Love that comes to life in the strokes of colors and hues, reverence that captures the intrinsic authenticity in pixels and frames and Zest that manifests into thoughts and words. A divine creation...that never ceases to amaze me.

Strength in suffering...

We are all weak. Weak bearing the weight of love and weak carrying the emotional load of relationships. Weak to stare into the eyes of naked, blatant truth of the world around us. Weak to contemplate the harshness of life. Weak to reassure ourselves that we can live, not sustain. A weakness that is etched into our lives, a fixture that pulls us back, a boundary that confines us. It is just a way of life, we are used to. It never stops scaring us, because we are always short of the courage to take life head on as it unwinds. The courage that comes from suffering.

Suffering is a gift of life. A test that challenges our strength and kindles our sense of purpose. The pain that teaches us resilience. A whip that scars our weakness and questions our mettle. An experiment always testing its hypothesis. An element of agony that pushes our limits unleashing the true fortitude. A rough burden that demands a mighty fight. A lesson of endurance in the face of inadvertent life liberating us from weakness; for its true that   

“OUT OF SUFFERING HAVE EMERGED THE STRONGEST SOULS. THE MOST MASSIVE CHARACTERS ARE SEARED WITH SCARS”.

Courtesy - Quotation by Philosopher KHALIL GIBRAN.

Short Glimpse

Some precious moments in life are colored in happiness and signed in smiles. To me photography is all about capturing such moments in the lens. It's about seizing special moments and freezing them in the album of memories forever. An album that tells the story of family, love and celebration; featuring a short glimpse of special times in my life.

Medha Video Photo Album 
Sweet Memories
Collage Collection

Primary facet of life

There are multiple facets to our lives but they converge in single aspect; purpose. The purpose how simple or complex, is often obscure as we run with time round the clock. This may not be a passion with which we inspire ourselves but instead a constant variable that  just exists to bring balance to our lives. No matter where life takes us, it is always true that we are just trying to find our place in this world. It may be as small as just cooking a meal, painting a picture or building architectural marvels and changing lives. No matter how big or small this purpose is, it is always the driving factor of people lives; a truss that carries our emotional load.A hidden facet that helps us function.

Some events invigorate our actions and in turn strengthen our purpose. We use this to reinforce our motivation for future actions. But, sometimes this sense of purpose is shaken, and It is only human to look for something reassuring in the face of disorder and one may find it in love, work, faith or hope. Hard wind often blows into our lives and we may not see what we are looking for, but it does not mean that we cannot find it. The question of how we find it does not matter, as long as we find our answer in something; something that we can believe in and something that can restore our balance. For so long as the sun rises, tomorrow is always a new day.

Sweet pain of love

 

The bond of unconditional love begins in pain. The pain we endure happily beyond doubt,  knowing there is something worth it. We carry apprehension, anxiety and anticipation at the same time in every moment along this road, and thats what makes the journey unforgettable. We believe that every step forward takes us closer to being happy and complete; The inexplicable overwhelming joy of having a baby.

People say that having a baby changes your world, and its true. It feels like a better place all wrapped in colors of zest. This feeling of love begins to give a deeper meaning to who we are and fills a place in ours hearts that we never knew was empty. It brings with it a responsibility that we want to keep forever; a sense of possessiveness that we begin to live for. The same world seems so soft and hopeful as we see it for the first time through the eyes of innocence.

It’s hard to say where and when it begins, the bond of love. May be it is always there with in us, and just that we see it at the opportune moment that life wants us to. Becoming a parent is one such moment, that makes us realize how beautiful life can be. A life blessed with our ability to love and love beyond boundaries.

Love begets fear; a fear that comes with responsibility. We cannot fight this fear, but instead we just understand that it will be there for as long as we love and deal with it. When we love someone we learn to push our limits to hold things right but we also open ourselves to suffering. A possibility, we prepare for knowing that there is always some burden we carry for every choice we make; like the happiness that began with pain. A burden we choose to carry, despite the outcome; for this is what makes us the parents we can be.

Phir bhi dil hain hindustani

If the name gives you a vibe that this is going to be some cheesy SRK worship story then let me stop you right there,it’s not. I don’t know what this is but it sure is something I think often and there always is a conflict of thought. A thought that is very common for most of us living here and a conflict that arises from having to choose between, a better life and the home you have known for always. A mixed feeling of emotional distress and rational introspection.

Talking about our tastes, We like all the time we can get here after work but we also yearn to talk to the family on skype .We love going camping and hiking with friends but we also love the little weekend getaways we have back home. We like all the income and things that it can buy us here but we never stop dreaming about taking our Honda on Indian roads. We like jeans and boots but dazzling salwars and long big earrings are still our favorite.We like the malls, movies and deals, but we miss the road side shopping and street vendor stalls. We like the joy of christmas but we always miss the spirit of diwali. We love toblerone, hersheys and coldstone but not as much as gulab jamun, ragda and dahi papdi. We like our starbucks venti decaf but not more than homemade filter coffee. We try Italian, chinese and greek but Indian restaurant is always our first choice.

Putting the facts and emotions together and giving it a perception, we are those people who love to imbibe western culture, still keeping our own flavor in it. the flavor of culture and tradition that makes us who we are and the flavor of life that took us a long way. we are torn between the mind that belongs to rationale and the heart that will always belong at home.

-- for all the desi guys 

Memories

Memories are often decorated on the wall of time from the box of treasured thoughts. Some memories strike the chords of nostalgia while some hold the keys to the doors of our past. Some take us on a ride of happiness while some bring back thoughts of pain.

At time it's respite and at times a curse. At times its peace and At times its sorrow. some times a blissful solace and sometimes a painful truth.

A story of our choices, a book of compiled moments, a maze of mixed emotions, a trunk of scattered thoughts and a journey of our life time. A tick less destination always in moment's reach of today and tomorrow. Memories....

The story of my discretion with money

Memories are an old bundle of folded papers rustling in the winds of thoughts. Though some pages are tinted in the colors of tears, they still give us some reason to smile and see how different life once was. There are always pages written in the ink of happiness and tales that tell the story of those moments which are worth cherishing. Here is one such account from the book of my memories; My First Job.

There are a lot of things that I remember from that chapter of my life. Although, there were a few bitter things, It was those encounters and experiences that partly made me who I am today. There were two attributes to my job; work and salary. work was my routine and salary was the much awaited output. This was the time when I began to see the world from the eyes of freedom;the freedom that came to me after years of dreams. This was the freedom of money and choice.

There is an unstoppable and inexplicable happiness that springs from earning for the first time. The joy in thinking that there is something tangible and valuable to have is beyond words. It takes time to realize the value of money and there is nothing better than earning and spending that can make us realize this. So yes, to earn was my dream and to spend was my choice. A choice that was so simple and perfect , a choice that I don’t regret even today for a split second. 

I spent most of what I earned on shopping; which was fun, and it was more fun when I used my pristine credit card with my name on it. Drinking coffee in Barista was my pastime, watching movies every weekend was my routine, eating food in restaurants was my habit. Oh, I changed my mobile twice in two years. Life was just beyond perfect and spending money was already a big part of it; often without a second thought.

When I look back in time, I realize that my closet was then overflowing with clothes, perfumes, handbags and things that I just bought for fun. Those barista times when I drained more than 50 bucks every time I went on a coffee break. Those pizza times when I spent 800 bucks on a single check. I never for once stopped or realized it then but I just thought that I was living my life and living it beyond any regrets.

Today I know, what I can earn and I also know what is the value of it. I have learnt to realize the true value of money over years but it only happened after I have learnt to spend it.There are and will always be times when you just want to spend, to just let go, but then it becomes a force of habit to first question. A question you begin to ask every time you want to spend. A question that makes us think if its worth the money or not. A decision that comes from reasoning and understanding value.

This is a chapter of my life that makes me smile once in a while when I am questioning myself if something is worth it. It is those such moments I once had that make me live today without any regrets; because I once knew how it was to spend it and what it was to just be carefree.

Time has later taught me many things, and I have taught myself to make better choices with money. But, no better choice is worth today, if I don't have that smile from the days of simple spendthrift I once was.